Common blocks to emotional connection
As mentioned above in marriage and couple therapy online, we help partners build a happy relationship and save their marriage by guiding them in removing blocks to satisfying emotional connection. Here are some of the typical blocks to happiness and emotional connection in a relationship. Blocks can be divided into external, interactional and internal blocks:
External block: Lack of time and energy
This is a no brainer: We cannot have enough moments of emotional connection when we do not have the time for them, or when we can never relax enough to feel our emotions, or when we do not have enough energy left to attend to our own inner world or to our partner. Lack of time and energy can be due to circumstances that are outside of our control or it can be due to our own prioritizing (i.e. not really making our relationship a key priority in our life). Often it is a combination of the two.
Interactional block: Vicious interactional cycles that take on a life of their own
One prototypal cycle is blame-blame. In this cycle one partner blames, and the other reflexively counter-blames. This goes on until both partners feel so hurt, misunderstood and unsafe that they cannot do much else but blame their partner. So the relationship quickly gets defined by blame, fear of being blamed, readiness to counter-blame, tension, stress, defensiveness, hostility, contempt and irritability. Another prototypical cycle is pursue-withdraw. In this cycle one partner shuts down and displays indifference because the other partner reacts critically and angrily while the other partner is critical and angry because the first partner is shut down and seemingly indifferent.
A third prototypal cycle is called withdraw-withdraw. In this cycle both partners are very cautious with each other, censor themselves, hold back from expressing their real emotions and give up their own needs in order to avoid conflict and stabilize the relationship. The problem with this cycle is that it robs the relationship of its vitality: The relationship becomes stable, but also flat, boring, lifeless and emotionally unsatisfying. Withdraw-withdraw cycles can also result from pursue-withdraw cycles when the partner who was angrily pursuing for connection finally burns out and gives up.
Beyond that, at online couple therapy we also see couples with complex cycles. The longer a couple has been together and the more hurts there have been, the more complex their cycles tend to become and you see a “layeredness” of cycles that evolved over time in response to changing circumstances and coping strategies (there is an original cycle that over time got “covered” by different kinds of a cycles).
Interactional block: Missing couple skill of repair
As described above in more detail, the high vulnerability associated with loving somebody (in combination with the imperfect nature of human life) makes it inevitable that partners will hurt each other. This is normal. And it is also problematic. Because: The more I have felt hurt by my partner, the more I will come to associate them with pain – and over time, I might lose my longing to be close to my partner because of that negative association. In order to prevent such a negative association (thinking of or being with my partner = feeling bad), partners need to make sure they have enough positive experiences of emotional connection with each other that build a positive association (thinking of or being with my partner = feeling good). But couples also need to learn to turn moments of hurt into moments of healing and connection. The ability to do this is called the ability to “repair.” The ability to repair draws on both partner’s emotional-relational skills. But it also is an interactional couple skill. Because no partner can create repair on their own. A moment of repair is co-created through a couple’s interaction. Repair only works when partners cooperate in the right way. So repair requires quite complex emotional-relational skills from both partners – and a coordination of these skills in their interaction. In EFT couple therapy online we help you acquire the skill of repair by guiding you through repair conversations. So here is how repair works:
First of all, let’s picture hurt feelings as a coin with anger on the top and vulnerable emotions like pain, fear and sadness at the bottom. Now repair requires that the hurt partner express the vulnerable side of their hurt to the other – if they express only or mostly the angry side of their hurt, then it cannot work. The hurt partner also needs to go beyond verbalizing his pain, fear and sadness by allowing themselves to also feel these emotions without mixing them with expression of anger. Then the hurt-inflicting partner needs to really listen without defending or explaining themselves and they need to make a full-hearted effort to understand their partner from within their partner’s frame of reference, and they need hold their partner in their pain and let themselves resonate with and empathize with their partner’s pain – even if they did not caused the pain intentionally (which is usually the case), and even if they feel a strong desire explain their true intentions or to defend themselves. Then the hurt partner needs to acknowledge and value the hurt-inflicting partner’s effort, to accept the hurt-inflicting partner’s understanding and empathy and to allow the hurt-inflicting partner hold them. In the last step the hurt partner needs to ask about the hurt-inflicting partner’s true intentions and to make an effort to really understand their true intentions from their partner’s frame of reference. This is a rather complex emotional-relational skill with many subcomponents. And the more unresolved or unhealed hurts have accumulated, and the more couple’s previous repair attempts have resulted in conversations where the hurt partner expresses anger and the hurting partner defends, the harder it gets to have effective repair conversations. In online EFT couple therapy, we will guide you through such effective repair conversations and we support you in acquiring the needed emotional-relational skills.
Internal block: Lack of knowledge about how relationships, our emotions and our emotions brains work. Here a few important concepts that many people do not know about.
The concept of circular causality: Everything that one partner does or experiences in a relationship is in part caused by what the other partner did before. When partners do not look at their relationship through the lenses of circular causality, they tend to just blame each other and that creates horrible vicious cycles of mutual blame and feeling misunderstood. For example: When partners just see linear causality, they will keep insisting: “I only hurt you, because you hurt me first.” When partners start seeing circular causality, they can say: “Oh, now I see that I want to hurt you, because I felt hurt by you. But you actually hurt me, because you felt hurt by me. Now I see that this is a vicious cycle that keeps us trapped in misery and disconnection.” Seeing circular causality is unifying. It opens the door to mutual understanding and breaking vicious cycles of blame-blame that erode feelings of love and destroy a relationship. Seeing circular causality and understanding exactly how it plays out in your relationship is often the first step in building a happy relationship, saving a marriage and reviving love.
The concept of layeredness of our emotions
When something triggers a feeling in us today, then, more often than not, it also touches the (more or less conscious) memory of a past situation that evoked a similar feeling in us. This can make our emotional reaction in the here-and-now look like an over reaction to the current situation. Partners often get confused by this. Because often their current fight really is about something different than the event that triggered it. Without knowing about this layeredness of our emotions, partners will not be able to identify what their emotional response is really about and then they will just end up with a confusing fight that resolves nothing and that is loaded with the accusation “You are overreacting!” and defensiveness (“No, I am not over reacting! You always blame everything on me! But take a good look at yourself! You are overreacting!”).
The concept of the paradox of love
Freud already noted that: “We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” The more we love somebody, the more vulnerable we are, the more our partner’s inevitable negative signals and the inevitable misunderstanding between us will hurt us, the more likely we are to use backfiring strategies for avoiding pain and reducing fear. So the paradox of love is that it is deeply satisfying – and it also goes hand-in-hand with fear and pain. (The fear is inevitable because on some level we know that we can lose love and most of us have experienced a painful loss of love before in our lives. The pain is inevitable because we might re-experience the pain of old losses of love or of loved ones that predate our current relationship. Some degree of pain is also inevitable because two imperfect human beings in imperfect life situations will inevitably have misunderstandings and will inevitably hurt each other unintentionally.) If we do not know about this paradox, then we do not know that in every relationship we need to learn together how to deal with our vulnerability and this potential for pain and fear together in a way that will lead to more trust, emotional safety, healing, growth and love vs. leading to vicious cycles of self-protection and growing pain, fear, injury and stress. In our online couple therapy sessions we will guide you in discovering and learning strategies for dealing with your vulnerability together constructively.
The concept of changing emotions through understanding emotions
When one partner experiences a negative emotion, then the other often tries to find a solution for the problem or situation that caused the negative emotion or they try to talk their partner out of their emotions by looking at the problem or situation in a different (more optimistic) way. What partners often do not know is that being listened to and receiving a signal that one’s negative emotion is understand, typically makes us feel much better. Because feeling understood makes us feel less alone. Often all we need is feeling seen and understood in our pain. Usually we know ourselves how we could solve a problem. We just want to share our experience with someday that we love and to feel – through the act of sharing – that we are not alone in the world and that we have an emotional life companion that is right next to us and walks through life with us. When our partner tries to problem-solve or to talk us out of our experience, we often feel worse. Because then we do not get the experience of sharing and connection that we need, and instead we hear an implicit criticism that we are either not smart enough to solve the problem or that we are too pessimistic because we see things in a negative light.
To make matters more complicated: Sometimes we all do want our partner’s input and advice or we would like them to show us a different perspective on our life situation. And after feeling understood, we often become genuinely interested in hearing our partner’s perspective.
For all of these reasons partners need to now that understanding emotions changes emotions, that we have a need to just be understood in our emotions and that we also have a separate need for input and advice. When both partners know all of this, then they are able communicate clearly about their needs, and this can spare them a lot of futile conflict, confusion, frustration, stress and pain.
In online couple therapy we will help you understand how this concept plays out in your relationship. Here an overview of what happens when one partner needs understanding and the other needs advice or solutions:
When we need understanding but get solutions:
We might over-exaggerate and become more negative in an effort to drive home our main point that we are struggling
We might get annoyed with our partner because it feels like their responses push us into feeling more negative than we originally felt
We might get angry when our partner labels us pessimistic
We might get more hopeless because sometimes a situation is hopeless (in the sense of there is nothing we can do to change it, at least temporarily we cannot change it for the time being, or we cannot change it enough – and all we can do at this point is to hang in there), and when our partner focus on solutions (that we know won’t work because we thought of them ourselves), paradoxically they will just push us back into hopelessness instead of allowing us to cry relieving tears about our losses or our pain.
When our partner rejects our solutions:
We start feeling unappreciated and helpless and are likely to become increasingly frustrated.
The negative cycle build around getting solutions when we need understanding:
The more the partner A feels not understood, the more negative they will become and the more they will react in rejecting ways. The more A gets negative an rejecting, the more B feels helpless, unappreciated and frustrated, until both partners feel so frustrated and angry that the interaction escalates into a stressful and confusing fight.
The concept of irresolvability of problems
As already mentioned above, research has show that most conflicts and problems that couples struggle with are actually not resolvable, because they are connected to core aspects of each partner’s emotional makeup or identity. The good news is that research has also shown that couples can be happy in spite of having a number of problems and reoccurring conflicts that cannot be resolved. But this is only possible when partners have regular and sufficient moments of emotional connection that make them both feel loved, nurtured and satisfied. The real core problem in a relationship is usually not the conflict that is happening. The real problem in a relationship is usually the interaction that could lead to emotional connection that is missing. If couples do not know about this concept, they are likely to remain focused on their conflicts while feeling more and more hopeless and demoralized. When couples know this concept they can shift their focus to emotional connection and to discovering and creating the missing interactions.
The concept of key moments of vulnerability and efficient emotional interdependence
The concept of a positive cycle of intention to care and seeing and valuing this intention
The concept of emotional connection as a buffer
There are things (like habits) about our partner that we will dislike or even hate. That is normal and OK. It is not a big issue. Unless we are not having regular moments of emotional connection with our partner. Without these moments, we will walk around in our relationship with a sense of dissatisfaction and a lacking positive background feeling towards our partner. And then we will really notice the things that we dislike about our partner, they will really get to us, and we will start sending them messages of non-acceptance and try to get them to change. In EFT online couple therapy we will guide partners towards co-creating regular moments of emotional connection, so they walk around in their relationship with a basic sense of satisfaction and they are able to look past or to forgive their partner’s flaws and mistakes.
The concept of repair
Relationships are never perfect. And we will always hurt and disappoint each other. This is inevitable because loving somebody comes with a high level of sensitivity and vulnerability. And because human life and human beings have so many imperfections. Hurts in and of themselves are not bad for a relationship. Hurts can actually be turned into moments of connection. But hurts can also accumulate and begin to erode feelings of love – if they are not properly dealt with. A good relationship is not characterized by the absence of hurt, stress and pain. A good relationship is characterized by a surplus of moments of felt love, comfort, joy and satisfaction and by moments of rupture that are followed by timely repair. Many couples do not have the necessary skills to repair a rupture in their connection and to have conversations that heal hurts. They either try to forget their hurts (but the always come back up again in a fight sooner or later) or they express them angrily and then get stuck in vicious interactional cycles of blame and defend that lead to even more hurt. In online EFT couple therapy we help partners to learn the skills involved in effective repair and to have repair repair conversation that turn a hurt into a moment of connection. Below you will find more information about what such conversations look like.
The concept of emotional needs
As human beings we do not just have physical needs – like the need for food, water, shelter and oxygen. We also have emotional needs. We cannot have emotional health and sanity without having good relationships. The human nervous system needs certain responses form other people in the same way that our body needs oxygen. Responses from other people trigger emotions in us and emotions are physiological process that impact the functioning of our brain, our hormones and our immune system. Without knowing about the reality of emotional needs, people often end up denying, discounting and neglecting their own and other’s emotional needs. This results in self-neglect, corrosion of our emotional health, painful emotional deprivation of the people that we love, unclear or absent communication about our emotional needs and fewer opportunities to actually have our emotional needs met and to nurture and build a happy relationship and marriage.
The concept of emotional memories and corrective emotional experiences
We can know in our conscious mind (our neo-cortex) that certain a perception or emotion (like feeling not good enough) are exaggerated or not justified. But the perception or emotion is rooted is part of an emotional memory that is stored in our emotional brain (limbic system). We cannot reason that perception or emotion away with our conscious mind because it is stored in a different part of our brain. We can only change it when we (a) feel it full, (b) when we make conscious the memory of the event that it is based on (like a past painful experience of rejection that lead us to conclude that we are not good enough), and (c) when we can have a contrasting new experience (like an experience of acceptance). In online couple and marriage therapy via Zoom, Skype or Facetime, we will help you together change disliked perceptions and emotions that are based on negative emotional memories through guiding you through healing emotional experiences with each other.
Without knowing about this concept people often end up feeling ashamed for their perceptions and emotions and they start hiding their true feelings. Whenever we start hiding our true feelings, we start creating distance and disconnection in a relationship. And you could already read above how disconnection is the toxic breeding ground for all kinds of relationship problems. Also without understanding this concept, partners are likely to make each other feel criticized for the perceptions and feelings that they cannot directly and consciously change – and this will also lead to or feed into vicious interactional cycles that erode love and happiness in a relationship.
The concept of amygdala highjack
At a certain level of emotional arousal our neo-cortex (the part of our brain that can have executive control over our impulses and behavior) switches off and we have very little to no control over our emotional impulses. Then we are governed by our amygdala (a survival-oriented, reactive part of our emotional brain) that readies our bodies for basic fight, flight or freeze responses. We need to avoid moments of amygdala highjack. Because once we are in a state of amygdala highjack, we will reflexively do things that can be really harmful for our partner and destructive to our relationship and that will also put our partner into a state of amygdala highjack. When both partners are caught in amygdala highjack, then toxic escalation will ensue that can inflict deep and lasting wounds on both partner’s emotional brains and that are likely to boost our negative view of our partner and to leave us behind with a sense of un-safety and mistrust. A negative view of our partner and a sense of un-safety and mistrust will all result in a closing of our heart and our tender emotions. And when our heart is closed and we have lost touch with our tenderness, then nurturing and love-enhancing emotional connection become impossible. In online couple therapy and marriage counseling via Zoom, Skpye or Facetime we will help you identify the first triggers that put you on a path towards escalation and amygdala highjack, and we will help you find ways to avert such an escalation. When amygdala highjack has happened or is about to happen, then it is best to take a timeout form the ongoing interaction with your partner. But if partners do not understand the concept of amygdala highjack, then asking for a time out will often make the other partner feel abandoned and can easily push them over the edge and into amygdala highjack (because signals of abandonment are highly triggering). Knowing and understanding this concept can help couples ask for and use “timeouts” without it backfiring.
The concept of neuroception of safety
The nervous system of humans (and most mammals) is wired to automatically respond to particular social cues in particular ways. For example: When somebody speaks to us in a soft voice and looks as us with a caring facial expression, then the ventral branch of our vagus nerve will be activated and we will be put into a state of relaxed alertness that allows us to enjoy closeness with others. When somebody speaks to us in an angry voice or gives us an angry look, then our nervous system automatically and unconsciously prepares for either fight, flight or shutdown, and then it will be hard for us to engage and connect with others. When we do not know about this wiring of our nervous system, then we are likely to underestimate the power of the nonverbal signals that we send through our voice tone and our facial expressions, and we are more likely to send our partner negative signals and to not understand their reactions to our signals. All of this can easily lead to more disconnection, more escalation, less love and less relationship satisfaction and relationship happiness. In online couple therapy and marriage counseling we will help you notice the signals that you send your partner nonverbally and how they are impacting your partner’s inner state.
The concept of nonverbal native language
In our childhood we do not only learn our native verbal language. We also learn a nonverbal language. We learn this language automatically without realizing that we learn it – we just seemingly absorb it in the same way that we seemingly absorb our native verbal language. The nonverbal language we learn determines things like this: How and when we look at others, how and when we listen to others, what tone we use when we speak to others, and when, how frequently and how we touch others. There are nonverbal languages that make other people feel a lot of care and warmth – and there are nonverbal languages that make other people feel isolated and alone. In online couple therapy we help you reflect on the nonverbal language that you have learned and to move towards acquiring a nonverbal language that will make others feel most cared for and loved.
The concept of the paradox of conflict avoidance: A core problem in relationships is that partners often hold off expressing their emotions and needs until they feel so hurt that they just want to hurt their partner back. In other words, they wait until they feel so hurt that they can no longer send a clear signal about their emotions and needs that would allow their partner to understand and adequately respond to their needs. And then all they can do is express aggression that is intended to make their partner hurt just as much as they are hurting.
The concept of balancing love and self-care: People often feel that love and self-care are contradictory. But in a healthy relationship love and self-care are in balance. If partners stop balancing love with self-care, then they might start neglecting their own needs for example by tolerating being treated in unloving, disrespectful or unfair ways, then they are basically sending the message “I do not know my value, so you can treat me however you want to.” And when we present ourselves as having lower value, then our partner will also experience us as having lower value and then, they are likely to feel less attracted to us. If partners stop balancing self-care with love, then they might stop paying attention to and caring about their partner’s feelings and needs. And when we stop caring about our partner’s feelings and needs, then over time their hearts will close and their love for us will wither. In EFT online couple therapy, we help partners to achieve balance between self-care and love.
Sometimes people say that being “too nice” kills love and passion. And then they go on to reason that not being nice the must spark love and passion. The truth is that both of these heuristics are highly misleading. What can stifle love and passion are the unbalanced extremes of either selfless (of a degree that resembles self-sacrifice and self-neglect) or self-absorption (being emotionally closed-off, reactive, aggressive, demanding, inattentive, un-giving, uncaring, etc.). What keeps love and passion alive is a healthy balance between love and self-care. And we cannot achieve this balance by strategically deciding to sometimes being nice or loving and sometimes being bad or selfish. We achieve this balance by making contact with, reflecting on and expressing our true emotions – including our emotions that grow out of our love for our partner and the emotions that inform us about our own needs and that motivate us to act on behalf of our own needs.
The concept responsibility
Some people say that everyone needs to take responsibility for their own feelings and that nobody can make us feel a certain way. They claim that if we do not do this, then we will end up blaming others, or we will create some type of a dysfunctional relationship. There is definitely truth to this. It is definitely true that blaming others is not conducive to building a happy relationship. It is also true that taking so much responsibility for our partner’s feelings that we start losing touch with our own feelings and needs will ultimately not result in a happy relationship or marriage. But if we accept that human beings need particular loving responses from others for their health and wellbeing just as much as they need food, water and air, then it becomes obvious that other people do have the power to impact our emotions. When we are starving because of a lack of food, we will be in pain. Likewise will we be in pain when we are starving from a lack of loving responses from others. But what we do need to take responsibility for is how we relate to, deal with and express our emotions and our needs. Saying “You are so self-absorbed and cold!” is unlikely to get us the loving responses that we need. Saying something like: “I feel pain, because I have a need for love, and your response did not make me feel loved – and please let me know if I also unintentionally reacted to you in some way that hurt you.” is more likely to get us what we need. Likewise it is important to get to know and take ownership of our sensitivities and of the impact that we are having on our partner. Taking ownership for our sensitivities might sound like this: “Your reaction really hurt me – and I think it would have hurt anyone that let you into their heart. But I think you also touched a real sensitivity in me. I have been rejected so many times before in my past, and your reaction probably also touched on the inner wounds left behind form these experiences. And probably my emotional brain automatically started seeing you as one of these uncaring people from my past, and so I probably experienced your response much more negatively than it was intended.” Taking ownership of the impact you are having on your partner might sound like this: “I know that I got angry with you and then shut you out. And I understand that this hurts you. Because I know that expressions of anger and shutting somebody out can cause a lot of pain – especially when somebody you love does it to you. I would probably feel the same way if you did this to me.” In online EFT couple therapy via Zoom or Skype we help partners learn to send each other such clear messages about their emotions, sensitivities and the awareness of their impact on their partner.
The concept of balancing anger with love
Expressions of anger can be very destructive for a relationship. And withholding expressions of anger can also be very destructive for a relationship. So we all need to learn to express anger in a healthy way – in a way that ultimately nurtures our emotional connection and love. Because healthy expressions of anger are a crucial part of building a happy relationship and saving a marriage, it is an ability that we help you practice and master in our EFT online couple therapy. A healthy expression of anger balances anger with love and respect for our partner and their feelings and needs. A healthy expression of anger also clearly states what it is that we want and need. It grows out of an awareness of our own needs and our vulnerability. Healthy anger is “I” anger and not blaming or attacking “You” anger. It is anger that is for our needs vs. being against you. Healthy anger does not intend to hurt or retaliate. It intends to draw our partner’s attention to our needs. Healthy anger says something like: “Hear me please. Take me seriously, OK? I am a vulnerable human being. I have a need for respect and love. I feel that I deserve to be treated well. So please stop treating me like this – and please try your best to treat me like that instead. OK?” In a healthy expression of anger, we say what we have to say, and then we do not wait for our partner to give us what we need. If we wait for reassurance or a signal of understanding from our partner, we might become pushy and blaming, and then the healthy “I” anger might turn into destructive “You” anger. We need to leave it up to our partner to decide whether or not they will give us what we need. Also: Even a healthy expression of anger sends a powerful signal to our partner, and they might need some time to let it sink in and consider what we have expressed.
The concept of oxytocin- vs. dopamine-based satisfaction
Interactions with other people can make us feel good in two ways: They can trigger a release of dopamine, or they can trigger a release of oxytocin. Dopamine is triggered mainly through things that are new and exciting. Oxytocin is triggered mainly through interactions that are emotionally engaged and loving. Because dopamine release is based on factors that have an expiration date, long-term relationships sooner or later become un-satisfying unless both partner have the ability to co-create interactions with each other that lead to a release of oxytocin. In a culture that in large parts teaches us to continually perform and produce and to then consume as a way of rewarding ourselves for our hard work, most of us are much more trained in searching for satisfaction in things that trigger a dopamine release. Most of us can still improve our capacity to co-create interactions with others that will lead to oxytocin release. In fact, mastering this skill really is lifelong task. A large part of our work in online EFT couple therapy focuses exactly on strengthening that capacity. If we do not understand this concept, then we might look for satisfaction in the wrong places and we might not be able to build a lasting relationship that is and stays satisfying.
The concept of vulnerability as key to love
The key to lasting love and lasting relationship satisfaction is vulnerability. When we do not allow vulnerability because we might not want to give others the power to hurt us, then we also do not give others the power to make us feel good and loved. Avoiding vulnerability is like closing off our heart. And when our heart is closed, then we cannot feel deeply and then we cannot receive the love that might be send our way. Yes, when our heart is closed, we are also protected from the painful impact of the unloving signals that will come our way – but this protection comes at the huge cost of not being able to feel deep love and satisfaction and losing the opportunity to build a lastingly happy relationship.
A lot of people do not understand this concept. Instead they might believe the opposite. They might believe that vulnerability pushes others away. Or they might believe that presenting and keeping up a cool, aloof and un-phased façade is what makes and keeps them interesting for their partner. There is truth to this: Some people pull away when they see other’s vulnerability – because they might not be accustomed to interactions that are authentic and vulnerable – or because they might be reminded of their own vulnerability and this might scare them. It is also true that some people are so hung up on feeling desired, that feeling desired is their only motivation for dating and starting a relationship. And once they feel desired, they might lose interest. Because they were not really interested in finding and building deep love with you or anyone for that matter. All they were interested in was getting that confirmation that they are desirable. When people have a history of rejections, they might carry this painful inner wound of rejection, and they might become kind of addicted to experiences that make them feel accepted, wanted and desired. Such a person might lose interest once you reveal your vulnerability and they feel certain of your love and desire. Yes, you might keep such a person interested by keeping up an aloof façade. The upside of this strategy is that it might help you keep this person in a relationship with you. The downside is that this relationship will never reach a level of true emotional connectedness and the deep love and satisfaction that can follow in its wake.
Internal block: Lack of awareness of the powerful emotional impact we are having on our partner through our emotional signals and our verbal and nonverbal actions and inactions.
This lack of awareness leads to blame and often triggers counter blame in our partner, leading to toxic vicious interactional cycles. Or it makes our partner feel not seen and understand. At online couple therapy we like to say that understanding is not everything in a relationship. But feeling understood is the basis for everything good in a relationship.
We all miss this awareness to a certain extend and we lose it time and time again – and acquiring, re-acquiring and maintaining this awareness always requires some effort. This is because “our eyes are looking out.” This means that we automatically see ourselves from the inside and our partner from the outside. (We automatically notice how our partner is making things hard for us.) We do not automatically see our partner from the inside and ourselves from the outside. (We do not automatically see how we are making things hard for our partner.)
In online couple therapy we will help you look at yourself form the outside and see your partner from the inside because this is typically the first step in breaking vicious interactional cycles, building a foundation of mutual understanding and feeling understood, saving a marriage and building a happy relationship.
Internal block: Lack of knowledge about our own and our partner’s inner world – like sensitivities based on wounds that we carry inside as residues of past painful relationship experiences.
This lack of knowledge can lead to unclear communication about our emotions and our needs and to a lack of understanding and empathy for our partner.
Internal block: Underdeveloped emotional relationship skills. Examples of such skills are:
Listening with the intention to understand vs. to refute or judge
Tuning in to one’s emotions
Tuning in to somebody’s emotions
Understanding emotions (one’s own and others’)
Expressing one’s own emotions, needs and preferences in a clear, honest and love-enhancing way
Reaching out to others with expressions of warmth, tenderness and care
Keeping our partner in mind and remembering important aspects about them and their inner world (like his preferences, sensitivities and core needs)
Unfortunately most people do not receive many opportunities in their lives to observe, practice and strengthen key relationships skills. Moreover: Growing these skills is a lifelong task – we will never be perfect at any of these tasks. Our online couple therapists will gently guide and accompany you on your journey towards growing your emotional relationship skills. The good news here is that we do not need to be perfect in order to have a happy relationship and that our relationships can always get better and that we can do something to make them better.
Internal block: Learned negative associations with feelings and impulses that are love-enhancing
For example: When before in our lives we have been rejected when we were crying, then we are likely to associate vulnerability with the pain of rejection, and then we are likely to shut down our vulnerable emotions and thereby also shut the door to a deeper level of emotional connection with others.
Internal block: Learned negative associations with sexual feelings and impulses
For example: When we feel that our sexual impulses are bad, because we have been told that they are bad, then we are likely to shut them down or express them very clumsily – and this might suffocate our feelings of passion or might block the smooth co-creation of a passionate interaction with our partner.